Dear Governor Perry:
I've been meaning to say a few words to you about your threatened secession. I realize that in the past week other bloggers have beaten me to the punch, but even if I can't claim priority, I'd still like to talk to you about this. Yeah, I realize you didn't actually say you wanted Texas to secede, you just sorta implied that it wasn't "off the table". So, Texans are a pretty independent lot, huh? More independent than, say, Massachusetts, where the American Revolution began?
Lemme make something real clear to you, Rick. Nobody cares.
The only people that seem to care even slightly about Texas seceding are liberals who live in Texas. The rest of the country could care less. Oh yeah sure, it would be inconvenient for a while. We would have to build a new Space Center, but we've already got most of the stuff we need over at Cape Canaveral in Florida - a state that appreciates what the Federal Government can do in times of need. We would also have to probably start eating less beef, although once again Florida can come through for us, as Florida is already one of the largest cattle-raising states. The oil thing, well, that's gonna hurt for a while, until we can wean ourselves off of oil. And speaking of oil, why don't you take Alaska with you? Form the United States of Petrolea; North Petrolea and South Petrolea. Maybe we'll let you guys use our airspace and other transportation - maybe.
We will lose oil refineries, but let's talk about what you will lose. As Michael Tomaskey points out in the UK Guardian (hey, don't get your feathers ruffled - he's an American) there's that pesky interstate highway system that belongs to the United States. Now, to be fair, as one of the commenters on Tomaskey's blog pointed out, you Texans sent your tax dollars to Washington to pay for the US & Interstate highways in your state. Sure. That's why we are going to let you keep them, but you have to maintain them.
Now, about that Mexican border fence - I'm afraid you are on your own with that from here on out. Good luck with that, I understand its pretty expensive. Of course, we may have to build a border fence around Texas to keep Texans from crossing the border illegally, although we will take in Texas Democrats seeking political asylum in our country and we would expect you to reciprocate and take Sean Hannity.
I'm frankly a little concerned about all the baby boomers in Texas who have been paying into Social Security all these years that aren't going to be able to collect after secession. We might have to cut off Social Security, Medicare & Medicaid to people that are already collecting. I mean, these people won't be US citizens any more. I guess the Attorney General's office can figure this one out.
You will probably want to base your new Constitution on ours, but if I may offer a suggestion? In the Second Amendment, leave out that pesky phrase "a well-regulated militia". It just confuses people. And speaking of militia, your National Guard will now be your armed forces. You will no doubt need them to protect you from Mexico, which will probably want Texas back, as Mexicans view the events of the 1840's a little differently than we do. Please understand that we cannot allow you to have nuclear weapons and any warheads on your soil must be surrendered to the USA immediately or we will have to invade and retrieve them by force, in which case we may feel within our rights to "tear up" the aforementioned interstate highways within your borders.
Yes, Its true that Texans put an awful lot of money into the Federal coffers. But you take a lot out, too. Think Hurricane Ike for a recent example. So, from here on out, you guys can raise your own money for your own projects, and while you'll no longer have to pay federal taxes, I strongly suspect that you'll have to raise Texas taxes - a lot.
But hey, unless Alaska joins you, at least you won't have to pay for volcano monitoring. Tell Bobby...
